Good news: The pandemic is finally over, just over a year after it began! Scientists say that there is a 0% chance that the virus could come back. Because of the sudden circumstance change, The Agnes Irwin School has implemented new rules surrounding the COVID-19 protocols.
The first rule, and the most important one, is to throw your masks away. Masks serve as a reminder of the dreadful time that we all spent in the pandemic. In order to eliminate reminders of this time, all masks must be eliminated from existence. Ms. Leonard announced yesterday that any person who is found to be in possession of a mask will be sent to the disciplinary committee and possibly be expelled.
The second rule is to stop washing your hands. Think about how much water was wasted washing hands during the pandemic. In order to make up for all the water lost, and preserve the water we have left, the CDC recommends to stop all hand washing for at least two years. The New York Times has also made a shocking announcement, reporting that there is a soap and hand sanitizer shortage due to the excessive demand for it during the COVID-19 era. There is no telling when these products will be back in supply; however, do not panic! There is no need for soap since washing hands is an outdated concept, and the lack of hand sanitizer will allow you to build up an immunity to other diseases.
The final rule, and the most exciting one by far, is to increase your weekly social plans by 100%. Everyone needs to compensate for all the fun that was not had during the pandemic, so call your friends, and your friends’ friends, and their friends’ friends, and throw a party. Remember, the bigger the better. Don’t worry about what day it is. Fun must be had on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. There will be absolutely no consequences for missing school in order to have a good time, so go all out!
These new protocols are very important, so make sure to follow them closely. If you don’t, consequences will follow. Let us celebrate the end of the pandemic, and don’t forget to follow the rules!
