Do you know what’s a hard job? Locking out Major League Baseball. I know it seems easy., I just have to freeze all transactions involving major-league clubs because I don’t agree with that silly little player Union, but in reality, I was creating history.
I am proud to say I was a part of the longest lockout in the history of the MLB. Implemented by baseball’s savior himself, Commissioner Robert Manfred, the glorious act began after our unanimous vote on December 2, 2021, at 12:01 am, to give us poor owners some leverage during those dreadful negotiations. There have only been four lockouts ever. 1990 was a particularly weak one, numbering only 32 days and not affecting the regular season at all. We, of course, were determined to overshadow it.
Lasting 99 days and canceling the first week of the season, I’d say our efforts were successful! I would explain the new CBA deal that was eventually reached, but I don’t really understand it. I was never actually paying attention in those negotiations. I was distracted by Mets pitcher Max Scherzer showing up in a Porsche, and yet fans have the audacity to say I’m the hoarding, gaudy rich man. I don’t even know why Andrew Miller was there! He’s an old man! I bet I can pitch better at this point. And he retired right after we reached a deal—talk about selfishly wanting attention. I and the other owners were there for the good of baseball. Maybe the players can learn something from us.
Don’t let the media spin the story. We never wanted to stop all free agents from signing with teams or physically locking players out of their facilities. We had no choice. All we really wanted was money, and that’s not too much to ask. To all those excited to see their team play this season, you’re welcome. They could never have made it without us.
